I'm so fucking centered right now
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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