Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
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