So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
