i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize