I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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