4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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