Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
