I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
