This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
