Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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