I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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