You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
