i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
