I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
