i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
