you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
