My liver just broke up with me...
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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