My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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