is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
