"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
