I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
