drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I party with great urgency now.
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