; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
