so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
