Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
