3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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