you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
