fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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