i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
