she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
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