saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
