did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
