We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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