Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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