dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize