im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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