I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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