does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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