Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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