I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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