and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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