She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
