Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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