we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
