that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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