don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize