Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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