Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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