I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
