So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
