I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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