I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Success! We fucked roommates!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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