So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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