I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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