I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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