Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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