shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize