Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
