and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize