He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
