So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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