Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
